Family Equality Council – Family of the Month
This incredible couple was recently featured on the cover of the Metro Spirit. I applaud the Metro Spirit for having the courage not only to print their story, but to put it front and center on it’s cover. Carol, MaLea…you’re amazing and incredibly courageous. Thank you.
Reposted from http://www.familyequality.org/familyofthemonth/index.html
My partner, Carol, and I live in Augusta, GA. with our 3 year old son. Before Carol and I met, we had our share of struggles in our own lives. I lost my mother from breast cancer when I was 15 and my father emotionally abandoned me after she died. Carol battled depression and the loss of her daughter from a divorce. Even with all of our struggles, we were not prepared for the experiences we were to face as a lesbian couple/family in the small town of Augusta , GA.
Carol and I met while we were each taking art classes at our local college. Carol thought I was annoying and had boundary issues. I thought Carol was too quiet and needed to speak up more. It was amazing that we fell in love.
In the spring of 1997 I was to go live in Israel indefinitely. I cancelled that trip. I was in love (the kind of love where pepto bismal was a favorite drink). Carol was everything I wanted in my life and I didn’t want to give that up.
For ten years prior to Carol and me beginning our relationship, I was very active in the local Jewish community. I taught Hebrew and Sunday school and I was an advisor for a youth group. It was a big part of my life.
My mom always taught me to be true to your self. So, I lived by that motto and I was very ignorant to the ramifications of being myself. Once the community discovered I was gay, I was suddenly seen as someone with a contagious disease. It was recommended to us from a person in the Jewish community to stay away. I was also told that since I had dated men prior to my relationship with Carol, I had deceived the community and they were now angry.
The Synagogue was my home away from home and now I was told to leave. I did so with out an argument. Even as this was happening, Carol still chose to convert to Judaism. We wanted children together and she knew it was important to me to raise them Jewish. She wanted to have that commonality.
In 1999 I received a call from a friend that a Jewish youth that I had known had just committed suicide. My friend told me there were rumors he was gay. Since my town isn’t so big, it didn’t take long for me to discover that this youth was indeed gay. This youth just couldn’t handle the rejection from his parents and the community anymore. I was so upset and vowed to become a visible, positive roll model for our children.
In the spring of 1999 my partner and I started participating in the Jewish community again. In the middle of services, people would turn around and stare at us. We’d attend parties where people would literally talk about us while we were standing right next to them. We had no idea how people could be so hateful.
My partner and I began discussing what it must be like to be a youth and having to deal with that type of ridiculing. We decided that no youth should have to experience it, so we started a support group for GLBT youth. We met with any community official who would listen to get their support. We pulled together a panel of local psychologists who were willing to help us but didn’t want their support to be known publicly. We had lawyers who also were willing to help but wanted to keep their names away from the public. This was certainly better than nothing and we welcomed their help. We had the hardest time finding local out GLBT adults to help facilitate the weekly meetings. With a little time and a lot of effort, we found them. However, it was a constant battle. The Unitarian church offered their building for our meetings and by late summer of 1999, we were ready to begin our GLBT support group which we called Take Pride Youth. Our first meeting gathered 25 local GLBT youth. Unfortunately, the Jewish community would not participate. One rabbi even told me that “that (being gay) was not a problem at our Temple .”
After struggling for two years to keep Take Pride Youth going, Carol and I were devastated we could no longer keep the GLBT support group going. Being in a small town where one can be fired from their job or where one can be subjected to the many types of bigotries, it was impossible to maintain facilitators. Even as the support group folded, we tried other ways to be positive roll models. We applied for jobs to teach at the Sunday school at the Synagogue. Even though so many parents were not happy, we were still hired. I began teaching Hebrew school again and things really seemed to be getting better. I really felt that Carol and I were making a difference. We met gay youth and we were proud to show them that we were all normal.
In the winter of 2002 my partner and I were elated to find out that we were pregnant with our son. Just like any couple, we were excited and we wanted to share the news. Unfortunately, many people in the Jewish community didn’t approve. Our Synagogue held emergency meetings to discuss our morality. Several parents started rumors about us in order to find ways to fire us. They said that we were unfit to teach because we were gay. Once I heard all the lies, I just gave up. I was exhausted. I was heartbroken and upset that people could do such a horrible thing. During this time, I worked as a Marketing director at a prestigious private dining facility where local politicians would meet regularly. They knew I was gay. However, once I got pregnant, they didn’t approve and I had to leave that job when I was 4 months pregnant. How could such a happy time turn so sad?
On August 10th, 2003 our beautiful son, Judah, was born. He was a blessing. We vowed to teach him the true meaning of love and kindness.
Just weeks after Judah was born, we began to receive phone calls from the Synagogue to come back. They really didn’t want us but they wanted our son to be brought up Jewish and to have the influence. Carol and I had mixed emotions. Carol said no because she was tired of me getting hurt and I said yes because I couldn’t stop thinking about that youth who took his life. I told Carol that my return this time would come with demands of respect.
Our first obstacle upon returning to the Synagogue was when we received the membership application. On the application, it stated “husband” and “wife”. We were told that we could not join as a family but could join individually. I was told that just like divorced families, I could put our son under my or my partner’s membership. I refused to accept this and I told them no. This was the start of many wonderful changes.
Now in 2006 I am proud to say that we have made many changes at our Synagogue and in the Jewish community. The Synagogue allowed us to join as a family. The Temple acknowledged their GLBT members and didn’t see it as “a problem”. And the Jewish Community Center welcomes us with open arms. I was asked to be the principal of the Sunday school, and our family has become an integral part of the Community. My proudest moment was during Yom Kippur services when individual families were given the opportunity to stand on the altar in front of the ark. Carol and I stood embracing each other in front of the entire congregation. As we turned our rabbi smiled and winked at us. It was an awesome moment.
Because Carol and I live in Augusta, GA, we don’t meet other out GLBT families. The ones we meet are mostly closeted. Carol and I joined MEGA this past summer but it is based in Atlanta which is three hours away. After having our son we realized that meeting other out GLBT families is very important. The emotional support is so important.
Thank you for the opportunity to write about our accomplishments. We are proud of them and hope they inspire others to be true to themselves so that they may pass their torch of love and kindness to their children.
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